If any of you are long-term readers, you know I had a fairly crappy childhood that got worse when my Dad walked out on me and my Mom when I was seven years old. He was Irish-German and had a bit of a temper, especially when he was drunk. Thankfully he was only a yeller, not a hitter, but some of the things he said when he was drunk were very hurtful. Anyway, after he left us, Mom became a drunk seeking solice in sex with any man she could pick up and after we moved in with Grandma, she did her best to shield me from the worst of my Mom's drunken sex binges.
You might think I have mommy-issues, but I don't -- thanks in large part to my Grandma. It's my Dad I have problems with. He's been dead now for about a year and a half and from time to time I get really angry with him, especially after learning how he cleaned up his act, settled down and became a good father to my half-brother, T.J. (not that I begrudge him any, I just wish I could have had what he had).
The one thing I do remember about my Dad was that he was a very handsome man. Twenty years ago, he was a very athletic man, part of a baseball team at this job, working out in the basement of our house, often shirtless in the summer. I remember his big hands, his hairy chest and his beard and how he used to call me 'slugger' when he would play baseball with me in the park. I guess that's why I've always been drawn to men with chest hair or beards like the guys below.
After I first came out, I often fantasised about doing it with a much older man. I even got to fulfil that fantasy a couple of times -- once in Forest Part and once in the back room of a bar.
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3 comments:
Interesting post. Something I've often thought about myself. That is to say, why do I like what I like? Was it our fathers, brothers? Was it just the "forbidden fruit" thing that started with us as kids? I think all it is--is being gay, and not understanding what's going on with us as we're growing up. And just like straight people, we all have our "types". I'm with you; I love hairy, masculine men--always did. I always liked staying within my age group, and now that I'm older, it's still that way. [Gorgeous, sexy, 30 year olds don't do a thing for me, although I do admire their looks. They have to be older, for me; close to my own age, and THEN I feel an attraction… Weird, but true.] My only thought to share with you on this, is don't dwell on the past too much. Reflect on it, learn from it, but move on. I had a shitty childhood too, but you know what? No one really cares, and no one can really relate to it, other than my brother. So what I do is save it, and from time to time, I pull it out and show it to people when it works to my advantage. That way, it really makes an impression of people, and they respect you much more for having weathered this "personal, secret storm" that you went through. Instead, they admire you for your strength, your wisdom, and your growth.
I hope you get what I'm saying here, I'm not trying to beat you up. But I think you'll eventually see my point. As time goes on, you learn to accept things for what they are, and once you listen to other peoples' story, you realize: although their story's different, it's very much the same as mine. That in itself validates your personal experience any you finally learn to love and respect yourself.
Well it's Easter. I have to get going in the kitchen, I have lots to do, but whatever this weekend brought to you, I hope it was all good. Take care! X0
Bob -- Thanks for the heart-felt words. I have moved on from my childhood pain. After a bit of soul-searching, I realized that it was part of who I am and I have come to accept it. Moving on has allowed me to find love and open my home to my half-brother. I don't begrudge him his childhood with our dad, I just sometimes wish he had stayed with me. I like the man I've become, baggage and all and because it has allowed me to find love, I wouldn't change it even if I could.
Take care. -- Garth
Happy to hear that! Post again soon!
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