Yesterday Was Father’s Day

and it was my brother’s first without our father.  I’ve had years without my father, so it wasn’t such a big deal for me, but I still remember what it was like that first Father’s Day after he left.  I was both sad and angry and wondered what I had done to make him go away.  I know now that it wasn’t my fault, but that doesn’t help the little kid in me who wishes he had a father while growing up.  In a way I envy T.J. – he had the father I didn’t have.  But yesterday was not a good day for T.J.  He basically spent the day in his room.  I went to him around lunchtime and found him watching DVDs of him and Dad and he was crying as he watched them, but he was smiling too.  I ended up staying with him for hours watching those home movies, laughing at T.J.’s antics when he was little and crying at all the happy memories he had that I didn’t.  T.J.’s mom was in a lot of the videos too and she was beautiful.  I can see why Dad fell in love with her.  But I couldn’t let T.J. wallow in his room all day.  I convinced him to go out for some air and the two of us spent some time together bonding as brothers.  I decided to treat him to a movie so I took him to the city and we caught “Man of Steel” in IMAX 3-D.  It was pretty good, but honestly, nothing that hasn’t been done before.  Afterward, we went to Five Guys for burgers – best burgers ever!  After we got back, T.J. went up to his room and I headed to the living room to watch some TV before the season premiere of “True Blood”.  Halfway up the stairs, T.J. stopped and called out to me.  He thanked for taking him to the movie then sucker punched me.  “It was something Dad would have done,” he said.  “You’re gonna be a great dad someday.”  Then he went upstairs and closed his door.  I sat on the couch and cried.  Do I even want to be a father?